Am I in a frozen World?

23.1.06

The other day I saw you and walked over to you, said hello and was polite. Maybe I should try to talk, maybe I should just be quiet. I think I shouldn't even go over I should just go back to looking. Looking is good, I don't get big hopes. Looking is good I don't get any hurts.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 1/23/2006

9.1.06

Disse ao meu reflexo que estava bonita e suspeito que ela acreditou.

Insomnia... take II scene IV!

Here I am again not sleeping. I can say my life went foward in this little time I've had since last time. Friday I got in School again. Yay me! I'm again having classes (or shall i start tomorow). Good thing I must add is that in my first day the boats are on strike... therefore Me is late on first class with a teacher I've heard is not the more understading... owh Me starts with left foot.
Anyways I'm feeling FAT again. The day was going so well people. I had only drank 1 coca cola lights :D and I had eaten nothing... until... about 20h my mom did HUMUS and gave me to try so she would know if it was good, and my grandparents came to bring me SOUP. I went out of control. Soup! Soup! Soup! :D and to finish HUMUS in a rice waffle :D then I went to bed... but insomnia soo I went for a cookie, then another cookie and then a toast with humus and then half of a yogurt and then the will to trow up because I'm too full. I had it all.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 1/09/2006

5.1.06

Pro ana? Work? --- I give up.

I feel I must lose weight. Today I undressed myself in front of my bedroom mirror and I thought to myself "Owwhh was I this fat before?" I guess I must ask someone. I'm 57kgs fat and 1.64meters short. I'm not or I will ever be the model you can see in a magazine, my dream is far from apearing on the fashion tv. I wandered around the internet after not being able to fall asleep because I feel fat and I found several Pro Ana websites and blogs. I've seen the diets and I thought "Maybe I should" I've seen the pictures and I dreaded for the chance of getting like that. Do they actually see that as being pretty? I don't want to be that thin... 50kgs or 45kgs would be perfect for me. Before coming to Portugal I was 61kgs/62 and my periode had a break from 2/3 months. I'm sick from my pancreas... we think and I'm doing alot of exams. I'm also far from fooling my mother into not noticing that I do diet so I'm not starting it now. I found a diet that (they say) garantees I lose 14kgs in 14 days. Wonder if it's true. Friday I'm planning on going to search for a job, since I plan on staying I don't wish to stay at home all my time. I really look forward to working --- strange me but I think it will make me forget about all this and mayb meet new people (who knows) if in 1/2 months I don't find a job I intend on getting involved on as much volunteried work as possible. Well now I got more than 3 things I want to do. First of all in this time I have to convince my parents that I will stay here no matter what they say. I'm 16 (i know it's not much but) I can already make decisions and they can't be all my live pushing me into finishing stuff soo later I can say "pff it wasn't that bad" I don't want"that bad" I want to make my decisions and errors and I'm pretty sure I won't blame anyone. I'm not as stupid as to ask for support.. I know I won't have it. What parents will support their daughter into giving up interchange -- the chance of spending the year aboard -- after 4 months and starting to work in some shop or whatever, getting lousy money and going tru weird things. Well... I still want it! It's my choise and I chose not to leave Portugal in the nearer times. Besides getting money of my own... I think it will feel good.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 1/05/2006

4.1.06

I'm as tired as a honeybird after spending the afternoon eating out of stupid colourfull flowers.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 1/04/2006

3.1.06

Uma bola, suspensa no ar emana luz mas não se limita a ser a unica fonte. Um ecran de computador ilumina a face do meu irmão. De oculos, camisa e calças de ganga... Ele é como uma escultura viva.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 1/03/2006