Am I in a frozen World?

25.5.05

Think that to frezze comunication might solve everything? that by leaving behind problems they will disapear?
Maybe they will... for you, but for me they are growing and I'm crying. Trying to fool myself I fool others into a false lie of a good feeling. I try to smile, harder than ever and if even when i'm happy i dont smile, can you imagine the score? 1000 - 0. My heart is still winning, and my mind is sorrowfull, I try to stop me and i bite my hand. Bitting is better than cutting, doesn't leaves scars and contains explosions for now.
If anyone ever advices me to follow my heart again i will kick them soo hard they will get a ticket to hell. I can't belive, I'm doing this, trowing away a year over something this stupid. My not even bitting contains my tears, and they flow. My shirt is wet now, and my eyes see everything fussy. As i try to clean them, I hurt myself, even more, I'm broken.
I still try to kill you in my mind, but somehow i will only belive it when i see your dead body. I know i will never see that, because i didnt even got to see it alive and prolly, now, i never will.
But i still dream and i curse my dreams, and i still hope even after being kicked this hard. Just doubt i will ever trust again... I guess I need a hug, but nobody will give me one of these... because you can't buy them :(

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/25/2005

24.5.05

Nobody ever belived me when I said I could fly... so i stoped flying. Nobody ever belived me when I said it wasn't a lie... so I started lying. Nobody ever belived me when I said I'm alive... soo I started dying.
Who made the rule and conviced you all you have to disbelive? Why can't be true what you can't see? Its the air a lie? can you see it? Who and Who?
I'm a disbelived nobody will even understand it, nobody takes me serious not even when i am delirious. Even the person i have trusted more doesn't belive me over somebody else. Am i like glass? can't you see me? I'm hurt, I'm sorrow.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/24/2005

22.5.05

Comida pela vida.

De olhos bem abertos e olheiras a certificarem que não começou à pouco tempo, ela observa os males antes de saltarem para cima dela. "Já nem esperam que eu lhes vire as costas, sentem que estou fraca" o pensamento passa a mil à hora entre muitos outros inparaveis e infalaveis. As calças de ganga gastas e rasgadas, a camisola numeros acima com o logotipo tambem já a desaparecer são provas da fraca vida e exigencia de si propria, uma desistencia. Os ossos saidos, foi comida pela vida, os cabelos despenteados do vento da mudança. Uma estaca que nao se virou nem durou, que quebrou e acabou... ou quer acabar. Cansada de viver, vive por estar cansada para morrer. Alguem que já perdeu o coração e abandonou a alma, com uma garrafa de qualquer coisa para a aquecer e a proximidade da musica doce e revoltada, ela sente que não sente e apagasse por entre uma multidão de seres iguais e deixamos de a ver, demos.a pela vida.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/22/2005

15.5.05

Dessabafos...

>Na minha frente luzes preenchem o horizonte, mas estou longe da sua fonte. Mais perto um muro continuo, a bloquear o meu caminho. Já agora, alguem decidiu ali por, um rio, pois não sei nadar. Posso sempre me atirar, e como antes, deixar o medo me ensinar. Mais uma vez até a morte pode matar.

>Na rua escura sigo os teus passos. A tua tristeza incontrolavel vai deixando marcas no passeio de pedras e eu pisuas. Tou preocupada, não sei tudo o que te aconteceu mas para o pouco que sei já nem tenho soluções. As tuas ropas pretas, são a analogia perfeita aos teus sentimentos e as tuas botas fazem.t o passo pesado e duro, como agora olhas o mundo. No pouco de inocencia que resta vejo em ti o mim e isso chega a ser capaz de me arrepiar, depois de tanto trabalho para eu animar. Quero ser amiga, mas como aguentar sabendo o que tu deixas por enfrentar?

I wrote this in portuguese and I'm not thinking on translating because it's just too much work for me right now and, honestly i don't think they r even good in portuguese, soo you can imagine with my translation... owh, there's more one reason for them to be in portuguese.. I stoped thinking in english AGAIN and this is really, really weird.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/15/2005

10.5.05

3 days 'till my bd... i'm doomed to spend it in pain... i'v lost the will to live at all...

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/10/2005

7.5.05

A colourfull fear.

As I walk camly throught uncolored streets thinking, about nothing and everything, I spot from the corner of my eyes a rainbow colored flying beast shaped like a eagle but with wings twice as long as they should be and with a tiny tiny head. Scared or fascined by all those colors I fight inside either to run away or to run near it. Still maybe i fought for too long, because as soon as i noticed i was covered with colors and confused I start running with all my speed throught the white and black streets, bumping in soulless people that just keept staring to this uncanny act of mine as if they couldnt notice the monster that, I know, was following me, because everytime i could i would look back hoping that he had disapeard.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/07/2005

6.5.05

Why is that every I put my trust in ends up to betraying it?

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/06/2005

5.5.05

So much for all the fight I had to do inside.
So much for all the dreams that I know are to be crushed.
So much for you and
So much for me.

So much for the world that I feel like leaving.
So much for the hope,
So much for the love.

Thought I still love you I find no reason to keep living over it, I find no way to accept it, not even throught my ilusions, not even throught my dreams.

I hate you and I quit the loving.
I give up as I have never been in this race.
I give up because i never had a chance.
I give up and i wont give a fuckin thought about it again.

FUCK YOU BASTARD!
(yes I AM still ONLY HUMAN!)

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/05/2005

2.5.05

From the phones - hords of orders are given to us.

It's scary to notice how much we depend on mobils... (yes i wont even dare to touch the computers problem, just the mobils!) I was tired, even from doing nothing and since it was a strike day I had to ask my dad for a ride, but since i'm to lazy to check my horary we didnt agreed a time. Well, School is finish and everything's nice, i phone him. after phoning him a couple of times and beeing not answered i begin to panic, and when i panic i DO panic... soo i phone home and i'm told that my dad is not at home and that if i run i might be able to catch the last boat. "Silly me", and i run all the way to the station... well, not ALL THE WAY since I get a call in the mid way and I'm told by another someone to hurry back to the OTHERSIDE of the town because i can get a ride after all... and with no questions or doubts, like a really nice girl I obey the second order from my celephone again and I run all the way back (yes, now i go all the way) and i catch my dad's ride. "Dad, that's scary!" "what's scary?" "I spendt this last hours getting electronic orders from my mobil and i, not for once, thought about going against them".

sorry for the miswriten text but i'm not in the mood to correct it

Nilaratowen froze in time on 5/02/2005