Am I in a frozen World?

31.12.05

Round and Round

This is the last day of the year, and now I think back to all the things that happend. I look at your pictures and one by one I go deleting. I smile now I'm getting my sistem free. I promise never to bother again, you and anybody else... I've learned that I love my country, I love my friend (and that I DO have friends)I've learned I have a great family, that I must find a new direction, that I can be happy, that I need to have more trust in people, that I have to stop, that I'm human. this year was a new one... why should it finish and be just putted aside? Things always keep going with us. It doesn't matter how many turns the earth gives.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/31/2005

19.12.05

Bitterness

All the time I've been blamming it on the place I was and not on what I did. I'm alone in the crowd, it doesn't matter what the crowd speaks. I'm sad, I'm sick and I need hugs :| I need someone that understands me. I hate this. I hate all this. I always get the worse of everything I can.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/19/2005

18.12.05

Anorexia.

Why is it that when I say I'm fat people get afraid I'm turning anorexic? I'm not. I'm fat and I know it. I've lossen weight and still... I'm in the maximum of it for my height... Why is it that automaticly people say "NO you are not" instead of looking and telling the truth "Yes you are" and offering help and so? My sweet little sister even sugested that my pants had got smaller (all of them), my mother insists I'm not and that I've grown (up... not to the sides). It wold be so much easier if someone would say "Yes, I also noticed. Do you want to go to a nutricionist... I know maybe it's because of your disease but it might not be so we should see about it." Why do I have to be the only one that says the truth...? It doesn't hurt me to be fat... it hurts me that other people don't admit it. The fear for annorexia is huge in this society.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/18/2005

17.12.05

I love PORTUGAL

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/17/2005

15.12.05

I'm packing, I'm saying goodbyes to everyone. I'm sad but I have a smile in my face.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/15/2005

13.12.05

It would be a wonder that besides your docter your friends believed you when you say you are sick. Seems impossible, assholes, I can't believe my friends distrust me when I tell them I'm sick and all. I awake up after sleepying the whole day again, I awake up because my host parents come to my room and I try to avoid sleepying again. I come to the computer and a old friend left me a mensage. "Do you think life is worth living?" and I think but still have no idea. I check everything a bit more and I get more one friend afirming I'm homeSICK and not SICK well ASSHOLES! HOMESICK IS PSICOLOGICAL AND IT DOESNT GET TO YOUR PANCREAS!

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/13/2005

12.12.05

Entering a depressive sick0 fase... my wish is to spend the whole time covered under my blanket and cry my heart out. i hate buricracy and this time its getting to me. I bite myself to contrain my screams and i think about suicide. I regret and I weep and then i just go blank and try to stop thinking. I don't understand what's going on.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/12/2005

Want my advice?! NEVER EVER START ANYTHING WITH AFS?! WISH TO MAKE AN INTERCHANCE? FIND ANOTHER ORGANIZATION! LIARS, FUCKERS, ASSHOLES I'M OVER WITH IT! I'M SICK AND I DONT CARE ANYMORE JUST KILL ME PLS! I CANT STAND THIS SHIT ANYMORE! BASTARDS ALL OF YOU!

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/12/2005

11.12.05

A long walk away from home.

The dark sky is covered with even darker clouds. I walk tru a plain among with other people, my friends. The path is softly muddy with their tears and yet the earth is dried with their complains. Slowly, each to his time, they drop, each to his side, dead in the ground. At the start I almos ceased the steps but now I grow used and if I dare enough to look back I can see a trail os corposes. One falls in my way and I stop stop. *Step*step* in his leg, in his belly, in his head. It's just less one whining. Why should I stop? Soon not only my path will be muddy but also the plain, as soon as their complains get trapped in the bodies of the deceased. *Step*step* I shall never miss you *Step*step* It was your choise to fall.

Somewhere away from the muddy trail, from the dirty plain, away from the black clouds and the doomish sky, that's where I'm going.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/11/2005

10.12.05

Hm how should i say this. I did it again. I should be forced to write 100 times "Kiss only when you have feelings for the person" kuzz I never respect that. I just hope its the same with him, that he doesnt feel shit for me and that he was just kidding or taking part in some wicked revenge :X kuzz that I wont mind. I hate this kuzz I'm feeling guilty over not feeling at all. It's all his fault. Never mine, I'm ALWAYS right! Owh well... I should be punished, but I wont be... whatxa gonna do? spank me? owwh yeh. xP *JOKING!* gaah get real people!

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/10/2005

tree bite in a apple, some potatos n frikandel.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/10/2005

9.12.05

banana yogurt thingy, chocolate desert, 1 riccewaffle, 2 pieces of smashed potato with spinage n meat... yeh thats my whole day.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/09/2005

7.12.05

bowl of kornflakes, 2 corn breads, 1 bread with beef in it, 7 maria cookies... hmm... rest of candy cane owh yeh, banana yogurt desert.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/07/2005

6.12.05

bowl of kornflaks, bread with ham, apple, 2 ricce waffles, 4 thingys of macarroni, mandarine owh yeh n cyber PIE! hmmmm

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/06/2005

5.12.05

1 bowl of kornflakes, 1 bread with ham, an apple, 2 ricewaffles, 3 spons of pure, 1 ãh white thingy (vegetable), 1 burger, 3 spons of banana vla, half of a candy cane orange flavoured, a piece of something weird i dont recall the name but it was sweet also.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/05/2005

4.12.05

1 bread with ham (sandwish xP), 1 piece of speculas pie, 1 lil piece of cheese, 2 thingys to roll around with chicken with curry and some naji vegetables, 1 thingy to roll around with nothing *hmmm*.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/04/2005

3.12.05

bred with cheese and ham, 2 bread with soy (hmmm) 1 bread with diet butter, 1 bread with meat, a green apple, a ricewaffle, 3 mini chinese crepes, 1 lil piece of wattermellon, 1 piece of tomato, 5 pepernoten

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/03/2005

Se mais que um momento, uma culpa.

E as figuras de poder tapam-me agora a unica saida. Em horror estatuificados em frente à unica porta desta casa de banho suja. O seu filho esta caido na banheira. Umpode ver que ele estava sentado na borda mas que algo o desequilibrou. Eu, em frente dele, estou certa que foi a fraquenza. Sangue em todo o sitio. Sangue no lado esquerdo do seu pescoço. Snague a sair-lhe da boca, sangue nas suas mãos... sangue na minha camisa branca. Agora noto... não é a minha camisa. Estou confusa, não sinto nada, estou parada. Tudo parou, o tempo, o sangue que jorrava, a vida dele... Quando tudo volta a correr, sem aviso. "COMO PODEM DIZER QUE ELA É MINHA AMIGA SE ELA NÃO FEZ NADA" e o tempo corre, o sangue corre, mas a vida dele esta cansada e para de correr. Agora as minhas lagrimas correm.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/03/2005

2.12.05

1 bowl of kornflakes, 2 bread slices with chorico *drools*, 1 ricewaffle, potato chips n frikandel filled with curry sauce n maionese, chocolate desert, 2 balls of icecream.
*I'v been a bad girl*

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/02/2005

1.12.05

Todos nos sonhamos com gloria e fama, todos nos sonhamos. Só isso e ponto final é mais que tudo para dizer sobre a nossa vida.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/01/2005

bowl of korflakes, 3 ricewaffles, a banana, some "chili" riceless, a meatball, a spon of fruitcocktail, 2 spon fulls of peer vla, 5 pepernoten, 2 snoeplight.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/01/2005

Apocalyptica

Hll yeh! xP Tou a morrer mas ainda fui ao concerto :D Não interessa! Mas pronto não pude aproveitar tanto quanto queria. Acordei agora, tou ka minha nova t.shirt (ai a minha tradiçao d comprar tshirt d concertos k gosto xP) Tou mmo a sentir.m como merda e quero voltar a ver Apocalyptica.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 12/01/2005