Am I in a frozen World?

26.6.05

Uma presença.

Boa noite. Bom dia. As pessoas ainda não sabiam qual deles escolher, era cedo e ainda tinham sono. Num esforço chego a casa, horas acordada desperdiçadas fazem.me ir direita para o quarto do fundo. Agilmente passo pelo meio de roupa, botas, tenis, livros, cds, passo por tudo o que tenho. Esquecendo a roupa que tenho vestida deixo.me cair e enrolo-me nos lençois. Fico a olhar para o céu e ver o futuro nas estrelas apagadas do meu céu pintado de branco. Ao menos este céu sem graça não é tão inalcançavel quando o meu tanto desejado e desenhado. Não sei se é de pensar, ou secalhar nem pensei... mas quando notei estava abraçada a ti. A tua temperatura aquecia.me, eu que estava gelada. A tua presença tranquilizou.me e tu sussuraste. Eu num momento ilusorio fui levada a lembrar que te amo. Esqueci tudo, tudo o que alguma vez se passou e tudo o que sei que se vai passar, e mantive.me abraçada a ti de olhos bem abertos com medo que fugisses. Sussuravas algo que eu não desvendei e fizeste.me dormir.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/26/2005

23.6.05

O meu estomago revolve-se sem fome. Já é tarde e os meus olhos cansados olham para o computador, uma situação que se repete continuamente e agora eu já começo a sentir que vou vomitar o coração. Corro para a casa de banho, forço, quero que ele vá embora mas nada acontece. O meu espirito revolta-se pela minha falta de direção. Esta não sou eu, quando iniciava as coisas costumava ter objectivos e agora já não sei que caminho devo seguir. Odeio-me por isso mas quero decidir. Porque que sinto que só falando contigo irei saber que passo dar? Não és eu, não tens meus olhos, não tens meu cerebro nem instintos... só tens o meu amor. Não que te conforte ou te valha de nada, parece que tens o amor de muitas ou de poucas, falta-te o amor proprio, suponho. O meu ecran continua iluminado de esperança que o teu nick voe do ecran e que tu crescas para uma pessoa real. E depois? Mesmo que te veja, mesmo que te oiça tocar, mesmo que te comprimente. O que é que te direi? Não direi nada, já nem na net nos damos ao trabalho de falar. De certo modo sei sempre o que vais dizer e provavelmente tu tambem sabes o que vou dizer. E agora escrevo para tirar esta indisposição de cima de mim. Escrevo em portugues para que não sabias pelo que estou a passar, desconfio que sabes de mais e que isso te faz apreciar. Mas eu sou paranoica, sou o golfinho suicida que depois de salvo de morrer na praia avança em direção à margem denovo, e denovo e continuamente ate conseguir o que quer... Morrer. Porque não vejo que saida eu terei, mesmo que tudo corra como devia, o tempo é pouco e a vida é muita. Suponho que acabei de vomitar o coração. Será que o vou voltar a comer, é nojento mas incontrolavel, voltarei ao mesmo ponto e cá estarei denovo a escrever no blog, um post sem diferença deste mas com outras palavras. Um desenvolvimento que nunca desenvolve. O meu ritmo cardiaco pára e o medico declara. Tenho dois meses de vida.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/23/2005

20.6.05

Each day, now, I awake and with my eyes half closed by sleep I will look to my mobilphone and check what day is it. Today i awoke and after chaking I thought "Less than two months". I still have no family soo I have alot of space to wonder how is it going to be, what kind of family will I have, what kind of place will I stay... After this weekend I wish it's not alike the family i stayed for the whole weekend, nor alike the family i stayed for my whole life with. I wish for something diferent. I wish for new tastes. But I want something homy, something when I can feel well, maybe with lots of silence, or with lots of noise... just something that invites me to stay.
I can already imagine... I get home and with a nervous touch I ring the bell. "will they like me". They answer and let me in, very friendly they introduce themselves and I just shut up like when a teacher asks me something that I know but the way they always look at me makes me feel soo unconfortable that I hardly answer and they don't understand me. I try to do it again and I can't contain myself I'm certain I will laugh, I always laugh when the situacion is not well for me. Falling into silence but I will try hard to make a conversacion stand and to fit in, I know I will... but well... we will see.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/20/2005

14.6.05

Can you remember? I can't, I have forgotten... *jumps and smiles in pure joy*

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/14/2005

13.6.05

When music is the only good thing

The cold sunny sky is covered with dark clouds. The coloured streets are now black an white. From the senseless crowd a girl with soul is focused. She is young, still has no hair at all, wears teared jeans and a t-shirt with an heart in it. She runs away from nothing looking scared. She enters a old house, where you can guess nobody lives there by the old fashioned things you see and the dust you notice. Someone opens the arms to hug her and see (didnt stop running) goes to his arms, falls through him, he disapears in the air. She (didn't totaly fell just lost her balance) runs away from the house into the same street, against the crowd. It's softly rainning now. And She is getting short and her cloths are getting larger than they shoul. Big close up of the gigant houses and of people's legs and shoes followed by a close up from up seeing her in the middle of the large cloths, she's naked, from the sky. You fall with the rain and you follow her as her stalker seeing the rain almost hitting her. She runs without a rest through the rain and in the final minute is caugh. You see her being pulled to the drain.

«Asthenia - Left Alone»

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/13/2005

9.6.05

"Now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation"

Muse - Time is Running Out

(listen and learn -_-; I can't belive i still like you, over soo many lies. :( Maybe what i love is the lie :( I wanna cry, goodbye)

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/09/2005

3.6.05

I've been told so many lies, I've been told so many truth... N0w i stand here not knowing to make the diference. My mind says you don't care for me anymore, and my heart says it's a lie. Friends of mine try to help me getting over you and friends of mine say not to give up. Talking I've heard someone saying their are certain you love me and you are just trying to forget me as wel... But why would you try to forget me? I mean... I love you, it's not like it's an heart broke, is it? Just a distance, that is getting short by the time... I made decisions and now i'm regreting over your choises. Yesterday I cried again missing our long talks about everything and nothing, I cried because I miss the wish to hug you and the feeling that I can not. Boy, I love you soo much and could die for you... if you ever ask. I don't understand, maybe this friend was just kidding with me but in a way it made sense... But you stopped talking to me... I miss it. I miss and I miss. Someone may think it's weird that I love someone I've never meet but that someone doesn't know me, and never seen the change of my face and mind when I got the chance to talk to you. everybody notices... I get the feeling you are going to read this, soo that you know I'm crying again, right now in this class. You have got a girlfriend soo it is sort of unfair that I'm writting this, probably she loves you, and somehow, you probably also love her and having me saying this it's not right. Still my heart wants to speak words longly stuck in my body, I tried to say it to you, I wanted to say it to you... But you chose to stop talking to me soo I think you could never hear them, and maybe this was for the best, maybe and maybe. It's just a maybe... everything in my life is a maybe. You are my maybe, the maybe in my mind, the maybe I'm always thinking about.

Nilaratowen froze in time on 6/03/2005